You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
