i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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