you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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