I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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