I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
