Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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