I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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