my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
