I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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