I wish I could teleport
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
