I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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