I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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