Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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