Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
