the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
