Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
