Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
