Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
