Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm so fucking centered right now
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
