My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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