I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I need to stop coming to work sober
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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