go do what you do best...puke behind churches
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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