My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize