Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
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Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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