I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
