i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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