Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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