Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
