it wasn't lemon gatorade
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
