Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
