So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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