going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
