My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
