My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
