he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
