True but thats because hes a fetus.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
