I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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