i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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