I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
not ubering you a puppy
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
