shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
