White coat. Heels.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
