Sry I called you an 8
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
