I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
