Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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