The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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