she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
