Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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