you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
