she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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