Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
