She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
