Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
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my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
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Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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