Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
