You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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