did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
